But enough about me

Really. Here is a piece of literary ART. From the inappropriate emoticons and completely out of it drunken haze of a time line to the poorly crafted outline format and the insane ramblings by itself it is a wonder to behold (I think it's catching). But it can be better even with just a tiny bit of the back story. This letter was sent 4 weeks before the “Re-commitment ceremony” between The crazy bitch and The poor bastard "she" married The crazy bitch felt it necessary to stir the turd. I mean you wouldn’t want the family that was excluded from the “surprise-we’re-married” Vegas trip to “Want” to be included, now would you.

Yes I changed the names for the innocent (me from getting caught or sued). And will not be able to help but to comment, but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum, lest I break the spell of the insanity.
Enjoy!


Evil mastermind,
I am an extremely straight shooter - except I am extremely NON-confrontational and hate to inconvenience anyone. However, I have been baffled by The poor bastard I marrieds actions regarding you & your reaction towards me and I, myself have been baffled by your actions towards me since long before New York. I HAVE NEVER BLAMED YOU....THE POOR BASTARD I MARRIED KNOWS THIS...I HAVE TOLD HIM A HUNDRED TIMES - BECAUSE - YOU DON'T KNOW ME, WE'VE BARELY SPOKEN EVEN WHEN WE HAVE BEEN IN THE SAME PLACE A DOZEN TIMES. All you have to base your opinion on is on what The poor bastard I married has told you ABOUT me. Except for the visits where you locked yourself in the bathroom of a small NYC apartment while they were having a thanksgivign gathering... seriously why did she need 3 phone books? We have at least one thing in common - we both love and want to protect The poor bastard I married. I was sitting next to him on the couch the night you called from your bachelorette party and "yelled" at him for giving his best friend Four advance notice about perdita bringing her boyfriend to your wedding, causing Four to avoid making drama, and he was crying after he got off the phone. hrumph, when did he become such a panty waist It hurts me when he's hurt. Don't worry, he would never betray YOU, I asked what was wrong and he NEVER said it was what you said to him...i could hear the conversation and see his face while it was going on, i knew what the trouble was i just pretended that I didn't in case he WANTED to talk about it. But sometimes I wonder if he plays the victim role transferance? so I am going into this with an open mind and hope that you will receive it the same way. I would have approached you a very long time ago but didn't for 2 reasons:

1. When The poor bastard I married would never say anything except how much you liked me & had NEVER said a negative thing about me (a story he still sticks to except once he screwed up and let something slip, just after denying i was ever even mentioned AT ALL in NY he let slip he didn't want me to walk home alone, that YOU told him to let me...for the record - I don't like a fuss over my dubious medical problems and am independant and that is exactly what i wanted to do so i wouldn't take him away from you - never was an issue except with one of my guy friends who was pissed that this old country gal was allowed to wander the streets of NY at night alone, to which I replied that was MY choice don't blame The poor bastard I married, i couldn't stay there any longer and then a month later, the first slip took 3 months, he said when you 2 were on the porch steps & i got lost that he was upset cuz he was trying so hard to please me but nothing seemed to be good enough and that you said "it's not you, i like The crazy bitch and all, but there's just no making some people happy" anyway, I digress but just so you have an understanding..... I didn't want to put him on the spot by "outing" him (as i would have done it in front of him so there could be NO misunderstandings or chance of denial after the fact and because I don't talk about people behind their backs- if I do, I immediately inform them, he doesn't know I am sending this but i will print it and hand it to him as soon as he gets home from work....cuz that's the way I roll !!!) except she never gave it to him

2. You and The poor bastard I married are so much alike that I (and forgive me if i made the wrong choice, but i wanted to form a friendship with you) wasn't sure if you would respond the same way he does, which is a little difficult as he will pick out phrases to defend himself no matter what tone you use, if I speak my mind he will "threaten" me with notes that say "maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone" (makes ya feel real loved and secure) but what it is is saying "if you bring up ANYTHING I did that made you mad or hurt your feelings I will say I guess i just can't be in a relationship & be really pissy about it" translation - you are forbidden to voice your opinion or get angry out loud. Just another example of him...no reference to you because you & I haven't gotten to know each other so I can't prejudge you. I was just afraid that if you were like him, you wouldn't respect my open, honest and straight forward efforts HA- that you might become angry or resentful or mock me afterwards or feel uncomfortable later or it might cause irrepairable damage - and i didn't want that. This has changed now because I am now part of the family - by paper - but I have an excellent relationship with my brother's wife so I am not used to the dynamics of your family at all. And, frankly the situation can't get any worsebut shes gonna see if it can...plus I have a gift of knowing what people are thinking without them saying a word and all kinds of other stuff I'm not supposed to know - it creeps The poor bastard I married out but made us $50 the other day! I can't change it - same as I've always told him I don't want him to change, I just need to know what the hell is going on. PLEASE FEEL FREE & I WOULD ACTUALLY WELCOME IT SO I CAN MAKE MY APOLOGIES, TO EMAIL ME ALL OF THE TRANSGRESSIONS YOU FEEL I HAVE DONE AGAINST YOU - FAIR IS FAIR AND THAT'S MY THING I ASK FOR NOTHING I AM NOT WILLING TO GIVE, I SPEAK OF NOTHING I AM NOT WILLING TO HEAR. The poor bastard I married also has a way of mixing things up or not getting the story quite right which again is why I say I have NOTHING against you, I BLAME you for NOTHING, all you know is what The poor bastard I married has told you, which is why despite everything I continued to be my natural self and be nice and going out of my way to try and get to know you - at holidays, in NY etc. .... until FL and only because it involved my baby (ok at 21 she's an adult - she's also, and I raised her to be less timid than me, much more outspoken so I had to pull her in a couple times). I still continued to be nice and the first to speak..I just stopped the hoop jumping. I'm going to go in chronological order here and hope that you're not already drawing conclusions and getting pissed off, but I talk to The poor bastard I married about it and that's behind your back and I know that when we came back from taking you to the airport after FL instead of asking ME (which is my way, but not everyones, my friends all have different personality traits and I love them all) but not even THE POOR BASTARD I MARRIED, you call your MOM and ask her if I was mad at you. I did not understand that at all, except to interpret it as "getting the jump on things" in case i was the same way. I'm not. I asked The poor bastard I married if he noticed I was the one that spoke first to you and still spoke a few more times...even making a phone call in the van so you could talk to The poor bastard I married and I wouldn't occupy him, etc. and that you didn't even say thanks or bye or see ya bitch when you got out at the airport. Then The poor bastard I married compounds it by telling your mom YOU were rude to me! I really ripped him a new one for that!!!! I told him you either had a conscience attack or noticed the change from my usual back flip efforts. Anyway, here goes:
Questions The poor bastard I married won't answer:

Okay here we must pause while you go back and re-read that. I know you are scratching you head
Why is The crazy bitch asking the poor bastards sister? I didn't think that was how that ol country gal rolled,
Still no sense? I know. I can also tell you The crazy bitch doesn't want to have a conversation with anyone...She want's to talk AT people. And then run off into a corner. And the "chronological" order is unreliable. Sorry, back to the story.


1. Why when he told you in Florida of 2003 that we had been seeing each other since late March or early April and he had called and left me a voice mail before leaving town saying that he was either still in love with me or in love with me again and you were teasing him with "you guys are back to-geth-er" and happy about it would you email him about coming to NY for "tail" from some innocent girl to drag into this? (who he claims to have never had anything to do with in NY when you tried to fix them up in 2002 or at your wedding when he found out she wanted to do him - and that if he'd known that before, he would have picked her over old friend who he wasn't attracted to at all and never had been, she just broke up with a boyfriend blah, blah, blah....I know about that hookup because with my cervical cancer issues I am pap smeared every 3-6 months so I always know within that time span what ANY conditions i have are..and I'd never had an STD in my life so imagine my surprise when i came up with and STD. The poor bastard I married claimed to have only had sex one time (that time) since our split in 2001, that she had brought protection and said she only wanted a one night stand, never wanted to hook up again - so i guess that makes her the source, though he did have women in his phone and had dated, he swore he'd had no other contact, not even kissing with anyone from late 01 until we hooked up again in early 2003) I must interject first to say EWWWWW, that's her brother... and to let you know he was tested. He does NOT have this STD, nor is he a carrier. Hmm

2. Why was The poor bastard I married afraid to tell you that he had asked me to move in with him and i eventually agreed? Said he worked it into an email with the diversion of Four getting married

3. Why, when we came to NY did you virtually ignore me when The poor bastard I married said you were thrilled that i was coming? I have never felt so unwelcome in my life and here I was someone who loved your brother and I guess I thought you might want to get to know my. I want to apologize for going into that situation with "expectations" of that, it was unfair of me to do so and then be troubled when it didn't happen. maybe cause your chain smoking ass never used an ashtray, burned the coffee table and great grandmothers hand made bed spread

4. Why, when you had tried to fix The poor bastard I married up with some innocent girl to drag into this and by the picture bubble of "throwing myself at him" from 2002 and knowing I was coming would you even invite her to come over the whopping 2 days we were there? Before you say because she's a close friend and was invited way before you knew I was coming...I guess my real question is Why would you delay things and not once, not twice etc. but SIX times as it got later and later that night and you just kept hollering from the kitchen "some innocent girl to drag into thiss coming, some innocent girl to drag into thiss coming, some innocent girl to drag into this will be here soon", just curious as to why you did that? See MASTERMIND. If only I'd known she had the power to make people sleep together by saying a name 6 times. I could have been having sooo much more fun all these years
I found it to be quite rude frankly, but I tolerated it and quite gracefully.(don't get me started on the flight thing..we couldn't afford to pay the fee to change but I called to try and accomadate even knowing and hearing your some innocent girl to drag into this comments - plus, for the record and maybe that's part of why I was REALLY pissed at The poor bastard I married when we got home I PAID FOR THE ENTIRE TRIP! AIRFARE, CAB, FOOD,SMOKES, SOUVENEIRS, ADMISSIONS, ALCOHOL, EVERYTHING!!!
Didn't feel like I got my moneys worth :-) Um, so get a job. And stop expecting him to pay for everythng, then you wont need to see it as an investment, for... what? Sex..EWWWWW

5. Why in FL did you "insist" on showing everyone (by your own comments) your album of your dog but never even suggested that my kid or I look at it? ever been forced to look at an entire album of a dog?

6. Why in FL when we were headed to the action park in the van and i was explaining about the long distance calling card i wanted to give you 15 min (I'm sure) of a facinating AND complicated topic if you had a landline and you kept saying just "uh-huh" "uh-huh" and then I said did The poor bastard I married already give you the card (he had it in his wallet) and you said "yeah" and i said "well i guess i could have started with that question and saved alot of time"and you said "uh-huh" - and a few days after we got home, The poor bastard I married comes wandering in and has his wallet in his hand and pulls out the phone card and says "I forgot to give this to Evil mastermind" - why would you tell me he gave it to you? I broke down in tears panty waist (and I rarely cry..or at least never used to) and left the room, because to be honest with you I was beginning to think, with a lot of help from The poor bastard I married, that I was paranoid, imagining your aloofness towards me, my expectations of being included in conversations was too high, you just weren't the type of person to ask questions of others about THEM, etc. until that. It was both upsetting and a relief...to be honest, more of a relief. The poor bastard I married chased me down about it and at first I wouldn't tell him to protect your relationship with him. Especially when he has told me that after at least weekly contact that I knew of for sure, there was no contact from you for 8 months and i felt responsible & kept bugging him to set up another email to keep in touch with you or call you from work or something because I just didn't get it and clearly it had to be my fault. He wouldn't leave it alone, so i told him, he said "hmmm, that's odd" and that he'd ask about it. To the best of my knowledge he never has. re-reading that won't help

7. Why, when at the track (sorry I beat you at go carts! ;@) i'm a tomboy and have no fear) when you came to the back of the pack, which was the first time you were near me, and i had to move slow and asked you to go ahead and go around to catch up with others on other side of bridge and you said no, spend time with her, don't, yau can't make that ol' rollen gal happy (my kid kept checking back over her shoulder) and when we got to the bridge and I turned to respond to something you said and bumped into you going off the edge breaking my ankle, as a certified care-giver, why didn't you offer assistance? The crazy bitch informed the mastermind's mom that she had been intentionally pushed, so why would she want her help?

8. Why, when back at the condo and my kid and I were inside & I insisted The poor bastard I married stay outside and have fun and the 2 of you came in for drinks, when The poor bastard I married headed to the couch to check on me and you pushed him out of the way saying he wasn't a professional and you grabbed my foot and said it's not broken and said "come on let's go" why would you act that way, not even asking how I felt? See stupid professional, she didn't want your professional opinion after all my kidtni picked up on your attitude...that's when i started "giving what I got" to a normal level that is...just breaking into conversations with something else, not being beyond the level of just polite, breaking into conversations is polite? I hate fake and at that point, it would have been me being fake and I refuse to become something i'm not. (I heard it snap, I knew it was broken, I never told my kid cause I knew she'd refuse to do anymore physical activities because of me and I wanted everyone to have a good time & I have a VERY high pain tolerance...for awhile...eventually I will hide in a corner to chant "ow, ow, ow, ow")
Another super power, or maybe it was the vicodin, morphine, xanex, whisky cocktail

9. Why, when my kid and I came out to the balcony when The poor bastard I married kept insisting, would you bring up old friend's name knowing that The poor bastard I married had slept with her the night of your wedding..actually he couldn't get it up that night so it was the morning after your wedding..? It wasn't brought up until we were present and that seemed odd to me, that's all. ewww,ewww,ewww,ewww. and right, why would any one talk about friends

10. Why, when I put my injured foot on the balcony table after asking if anyone minded and being told no, as no one was on the table even with their elbows, why after a couple minutes would you put your foot up on the edge of the table and start shoving off it to rock your chair back and forth causing my excruciating pain?....and I had to shoot my kid a look because she was just about ready to open up her mouth and God knows what would have come out - I just broke in, loudly, over whatever you were saying and asked The poor bastard I married if i could put my foot over his lap instead.
because she's an evil mastermind who reads minds and constantly thinks of other people

11. Why would you make your sister give us the camera you had by mistake because you didn't want us to know? my kid just wanted her camera, they all look alike, it was an honest mix up, you're 10 years older than her, she wasn't pissy about it, we just didn't get it and of course it caused us to think that you later found out you had the other missing camera that she really wanted with the shots of she & I at every State line sign because I will rarely allow pictures of me to be taken so she was like "REALLY? YOU WILL?" and that camera never turned up. Evil and wanted to steal your 21yr old baby's memories

12. Why would you call your mom as soon as your plane landed no less, when home for the holidays after FL instead of asking ME or at least The poor bastard I married if something was bothering ME and was it ME that was mad at you because of something you did? seems like i'm the only one that would have that answer...then maybe The poor bastard I married...but certainly not your mom. I don't know, why do you think she'll have answers abouther brothers private life that he wont answerif you'd tried that order and failed to get an adequate answer from me or The poor bastard I married then maybe...but why would I tell YOUR mom?! doesn't even make sense plus I don't roll that way either ;-p um, uh, this letter

Lastly, thank god I owe you an apology for the most unflattering picture that i sent out with the Florida collection...I absolutely did it on purpose. Sorry. Please feel free to rip on me - TO ME, I'd prefer that actually, clear the air and all and I ABSOLUTELY don't hold grudges, um, uh, this letter it's not my personality and besides The poor bastard I married, you have my promise (and I don't break those) on my daughters life (and I was raised to believe that something will really happen to her if i break my word) that this will go to no one else in your family, by email or in conversation initiated by me....unless you choose to play it that way and believe that all family should be involved and the internet , which is fine, it's just different from what I'm used to but I can adjust.

with love, xoxo
The crazy bitch
p.s. (I knew it!) as The poor bastard I married recently found out, he had me doubting myself so much that I actually took a polygraph test some time ago to see if it was me that had the problem after all....turns out, pretty much not.

The public polygraph is in walgreens next to the blood pressure machine. And if you (crazy self) ask you (crazy self) do I have a problem?... apparently you are not lying when you say "No"