Wednesday, January 14, 2009

"Event Planner"

They are going to hire an Event Planner for me. An event planner? For me? What do they think I DO?

I know I've been really busy lately, and I realize that with the (recent and continued) addition of executives my work load will only be increasing, but I like planning these events. Most of the time it is this lovely place I go to take a break from presentations, letters, reports and filings. It is the creative and widest of my canvases. It is also the only thing I get wide and public props for.
I wouldn't mind if the Event Planner took over Disney. I HATE Disney and their Magical kingdom. You try having a "Magical Day" after butting heads with a giant corporation that peddles in false promise and dreams of mythological proportions.
But what about the rest of it?

It's a political move (hiring this under-employed person) so I hold in the back of my mind this will not be permanent.
Why couldn't they just have gotten me a receptionist or secretary?

Randomness regarding age

I've never really considered old age. The process of aging. I don't recall my Aunts or Grandparents getting older. I'm sure they weren't ever the same but to my memories eye they look the same. In pictures I see a vague difference but not enough to rewrite my memories. Either I was too young or I never spent enough time with anyone to watch the gradual change, see the ticking of times clock. Until recently I didn't seem to change either and now that I have maybe I notice it more.
My mother has lost weight, were as I have gained it. We have both lost strength but she looks fragile and small. I've begun to notice the age compounding. The pronounced wrinkles of age magnified by weight loss, the thinning hair that was always too thick for combs and barrettes, the finger nails brittle, thick and no longer clear as if she had a years worth of acrylic filler on her never manicured nails. The slight rocking nod I at first took for agreement. The moments of confusion she has always had I now scrutinize. She is different, older, not the way I remember her. She is less demanding and more grateful, more oblivious and less omniscient.
I remember noticing my parents getting older in my mid 20'. I remember worrying about my father, what if his hearing IS going. I worried over my mother living alone and having an accident. But his hearing is still ok and she has survived several incidents. I haven't seen my dad for a year and while he says his coastal lifestyle is keeping him fit (and trimmer). I wonder but I forgot a little too.
It's best not to think about it.
Age and weight. Apparently the more you worry about it the fatter and older you become.
In November I quit working out and watching my weight because I wasn't making progress and the holidays were upon us. I seem to have lost enough to have to put the safety pins back into my waistbands.
Course I did start smoking again.

Thank God I'll not have children to torment with my aging process.

Friday, January 02, 2009

recompensing victims of holiday letters

I've been getting the "Yearly Newsletter" from co-workers in Christmas cards. While some of them do offer clever "kids say the darnedest things" I have to say, mostly I find them boring. Here are people I barely know, sharing things about their year that I couldn't possibly have interest in (being that I am self centered) spending extra postage to jam oddly folded pages and pages into card shaped envelopes and they aren't even TRYING to be entertaining.

The very least I can do is reciprocate.
I'll try to keep the boring stuff to a minimum.

This year was my first year of married life. My first year of answering every variety of "How's married life?". After the first 40 times, I stopped trying to think of clever responses for "It's no different" and went straight for the small talk ending responses. "The insurance pay off makes it all worth it."

We went to Spain this year with the in-laws, and rather than share to much information (like some people did and do) I'll reduce it down to: My father in-law implying I was a fat lush and then (after he had made the realization) he tried to take my last bit of bourbon.
He recovered nicely and still has (most of) his hand.

I made it to New York twice. The MET roof wine bar in spring and East Village Thanksgiving. I got a new hair do and Sue tried to kill me with a smoothy, but she got the food poisoning too so I guess we're even.
And speaking of Sue...(I love it when the letters run off about someone that isn't a member of the family and so you are even less likely to know them)... Sue ran the Chicago marathon again this year and I still have the crutches in my closet to prove it.

This was also the first year my father has lived alone since college (I'm guessing). He ran away from home in 2003. Quit his job, retired for a week, got a job in another state and left my mother, the dogs, most of his crap and moved in with my sister. But she kicked him out when she got a boyfriend. Then Daddy moved to an even farther away state and hasn't been seen since last year. I think he's happy. For Christmas he sent checks to Momma, Kendall, her man (Jason) and my man (Josh). Hmmm, missing anyone?

Christmas is always chaotic. So many places so little time. Between the 3 households it is hard to do all the visiting, eating, unwrapping and chores (the reupholstered dining room chairs look quite nice even if I do say so myself). Still, we managed to make it to Walgreens for our customary Christmas tradition of filling our stockings. We actually did it on Christmas eve with the idea that Target would be a lovely change. We entered and were told we had 5 minutes. I thought it was like supermarket sweep where you get as much as possible in the time allowed. The security people didn't understand that there had been miscommunication between my contest idea and their being home for Christmas eve idea. So we left and went to Walmart, also closing. I think we have started a new tradition that may involve breaking into stores on Christmas eve.
Then back home for some Hors D’Oeuvers while opening gifts. I reached for a slice of cucumber on the Crudité and discovered it was not there. Interrogation revealed that Jason had eaten all the cucumber off the tray. And that my friends was a mistake which lead to a loud "well Fuck you" from my mother and a raised level of debate between the 2 of them finally ending in an awkward dinner.

The animals are all still hanging in there. Our little death row menagerie is as cute as ever. Josh and I both busy and still have jobs (and in this economy that means something), still paying off our mortgages, and are thinking about kidnapping our downstairs neighbors maid.

I really can't think of anything else that should be in this letter, so in closing and in the spirit of the season...

Merry Christmas... Well, Fuck You

Monday, September 29, 2008

Alla andra ar dumma i huvudet

And while "other people" maybe "dumb in the head" The Fates have taken it upon themselves to knock some sense into me.
If it were not for the fact I inherited the Polish thick headedness, by now I surely would be in the hospital.

Last time it was the bathroom design. Who puts sinks that close to the toilet?
This time it was a dark hallway and a baby gate. I knew it was there but I forgot and just went plowing into it. Crunch splat. My mother found me face down with my legs up as if the baby gate were going to use me in a wheelbarrow race. She thought it was hilarious. I did too till I realized every angle on my body hurt. Elbows, knees, shoulders, and that angle on the head that sticks out.... hey wait a minute.
So I have a goose egg on my forehead, a minor headache that will not go away, Fates conspiring against me and a husband who refuses to buy that I'm not accident prone.

Monday, September 22, 2008

What else can one say?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


This kitchen window is so hard to open and close, I miss the old one.

Yeah, I know me too. This one doesn’t sound the same. I’m use to the reverberating rattle when banged on followed by the muffled yet distinct shout for attention then the quick shunk as it flew open to deliver a reprimand of some sort. We laugh as I imitate the scene that has played over a million times including sound effects. She phrases it oddly. Telling me: She thought we didn’t think she loved us.
My automatic response is to say No, no. I just thought you were trying to convince me I was crazy. And we grow quiet having dropped this subject so many times neither of us willing to rehash the past and ask the questions once burning now barely even smoldering.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A clue: No

This summer as we sat dragging our legs in a night time pool my friend was trying to verbalize how her dysfunctional family made her feel and she finally just said "You know what it's like. How do you deal with knowing your sibling is the favorite?"
I sat silent for a moment. It was a true enough statement. "It's not the fact that they like her more, its the inequality in treatment that has always bothered me... but then she has always needed more than I have" I shrugged. I'm resigned.
So I can't be too surprised that my sister (the smart one) is going back to school or that my mother (the poor one) is paying for it. She needs more education. She's too smart to be doing manual labor her whole life and she's already wearing her body out. It's a much more just than a plan my mother cavalierly tossed out a year or two ago "thinking about starting a college fund for needy students" I told her she could pay me back for my college first.
Even if our parents could have helped me with college I doubt they would have. They didn't approve of my choices. They wouldn't help me support my "lifestyle" as that would be condoning it. So I was on my own. This is how it feels to be the older sibling: Breaking the parents in to new ideas, wearing them down, acclimating them. Now they're there to help her, even tho' she's living in sin with a guy we all have reservations about.
So again I shrug. I'm past the age of reacting to feeling 2nd string and, again, she needs the help. It's smarter for her to take their help as opposed to taking out a loan (as it always has been). It's better, if my mother wants to help someone, that it go to her than it go to a stranger and I have to take 2nd place to a stranger.

Am I used to it enough that it doesn't bother me?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Is it odd

I often confuse the names Joseph Campbell and Joseph Conrad. Tho' their writings are completely different their ideas often aren't.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. ~ Joseph Campbell

A man that is born falls into a dream like a man who falls into the sea. If he tries to climb out into the air as inexperienced people endeavor to do, he drowns. ~ Joseph Conrad

Perhaps they would forgive me, so long as I don't invite them to the same party.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Pain is the gateway drug

Once you lose the sensation for physical pain
and the absence of feeling overwhelms the thin lines cut into flesh
there are pills for that.
Analgesic pills: 1 for headaches, 10 for broken hearts
Blue and yellow pills for exhaustion
Tiny white ones for residual alertness
Green ones float you thru the anxiety
Big white ones for dizzying oblivion
A handful split up in a public bathroom
Trade 2 for a hit
these two should counteract each other
but like a frantic sublimation it rolls the mind
side effects may include
indifference, intensity, turning giddy or goo
Too many side effects to gauge
balancing and counter balancing with little helpers.
Effects may intensify with alcohol

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Happy Wedding Birthday

This month year last I was in a flurry.
This week last year I hardly had a drink.
Today last year I was married.

We were reminded how quickly the date was coming up by all the wedding gift shopping. Lazy as we are we couldn’t really justify doing nothing, after all next year we know we’ll probably forget.
First anniversary is paper. Paper: Books, love letters, art, money, tickets. A dinner boat tour on the Lake? Perfect, romantic, something we’ve never done. It didn’t occur to us that 8-8-08 the boats might be sold out for, uh, I dunno, weddings? 8 is the number of new beginnings so there are a lot of weddings. Almost all of my Asian friends say this is the best year (year of the rat, the first sign of the Chinese zodiac, also an auspicious number for Buddhists) and the numerologists see the 8 meaning fortune/ prosperity and 888 meaning three times the prosperity. Mathematicians: Eight is a power of two. A fallen 8 is infinity. On and on. The point is all the wedding parties seemed to have the same idea.
And tickets seemed like such a good idea. Lucky us they extended Cirque Du Soleil. Something else we’ve never done.
So here’s to the first birthday of new beginnings, celebrated with limber contortionists and sensory over load.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Oh look, its a computer screen again.
I have to apologize but this is part of the reason I don't post often. Spend all day typing up legal documents and you might resent the screen too. Part of it is I type r-e-a-l-l-y slooowly. and I've tried to improve but I'm out of practice now and it is painful. My hands actually hurt. It doesn't help that my desk is too high and the chair well is too low, but that is beside the point. I guess this post is mostly complaining so far so I feel I should change that and focus on the positives. I'm good at hiding behind positivity.

I had a little heartbreaking experience recently and spent a day trying to convince my self it didn't matter. The same universal problem of need for acceptance and fear of betrayal. The problem was it did matter. When you let yourself care for people you care how they perceive you. But I'm a "good little actress" and I have to get over it. As I was told in 3rd grade "girls are mean and you just have to learn how to take it if you want to be their friends" The girl (my "friend") who told me that was a well -liked, -adjusted, -to do girl and obviously I took it to heart. You believe the people you look up to (we would all do well to remember that).
But then there are friends like the ones I hung out with last weekend. They just make me feel better. Even when they tell me past judgments of me, I truly find them endearing. "When I first met you I thought you were a bitch" so and so said she thought you were a hippie. Sure those things (to me) are a bit of a compliment. But I think in the revealing of those things there is a comfort, a closeness. I am comfortable enough around you to tell you the truth.
I admit I have said things about people behind their back, but I never said anything I wasn't willing to (and often did) say to their face. Isn't that what friends are? Wouldn't you tell your friend they had something green in their teeth? Wouldn't you tell them they were being: taken in, drunk, stupid? Aren't we past laughing at people; with toilet paper stuck to them, skirts tucked into pantyhose, rambling on inanely about some politician but never attributing it to the right person, and still calling them friends? Don't friends stop friends?
If they don't, most likely they never were friends anyway.
And I'd rathar be a friend than a pet any day.

Thunderous Falls

Summer I hardley even knew you. The heavy storms that pre curse fall have already begun. So, soon summer will be gone. I don't actually know what happened to it. I went to Door County. I spent some time in New York and in D-town, but watching the storms roll in reminds me how soon it will be gone. That is one of the reasons I miss gardening. Thats how backwards I am. I keep track of time by the seasons in nature. When to plant, harvest and cut back are huge seasonal markers. Here in the city I have lost that marker of time. Sometimes I wonder if this is how a potted plant brought indoors feels.

Everything runs together for me here. I'm just not use to it perhaps. You might mark the seasons with street feasts or vacation time or the latest band release (tour) or the influx of tourists (I'm getting better about recognizing that season) but I just haven't caught on yet. It's all marking time on the vine (as it weren't). I do the same things every day. Nothing changes but my wardrobe. I still have not figured out how where the time goes. But I am simple, of simple folk. I watch the weather. I smell the change in seasons. I observe the subtle changes from behind the pain of my window. Domesticated and transplanted.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

What to do with the knowledge

This will be dragged out for me
a lingering illness
Quicker from your point of view
when you realize there is something wrong
what will you do with the knowledge
at what point will you call
chronic – terminal
Having already grieved once
when will you know the second coming
What signs will I see. Creator but disbeliever.
How will it all go down, ground zero never knows.
With my foresight I stand
ground zero
neither victim nor hero.

Monday, July 28, 2008

China OKAY ready for people of the Olympic flowing

A single sign trying to communicate with the Dutch, German, english dyslexic AND corrupt government officials.

Good to be told what is socially acceptable in a foreign culture

A very good attempt but
but only my friends can call me "liquor head"

I was less upset by the affectionate term Crippie then Gravid
I don't know about you but in my mind the term "gravid" is used to describe the condition of a snake when carrying young internally, not so much pregnant women *Shudder*

They are even prepared for the well traveled slut in us all

From parking to everyWhore juice

Monday, July 07, 2008

Bathroom humor

First of all the shooting on the 3rd was completely unrelated to me addressing 3 girls as insignificant bitches.
Poor Dr. C.J. chose the wrong line at the port'ojohn, her door never opened. I came out and told her she was going next. There seemed to be some debate, I blocked them, she went in, they thought they wanted to continue the discussion, I informed the insignificant bitches they were indeed mistaken (I mean, seriously, if you want to fight over a port-o-potty I can still get that Decatur), they apologized, Dr. C.J. came out like a bear and I had to steer her away lest the IB's piss themselves again.

I had nothing to do with the man wandering the halls at Navy Pier on the 4th. looking for the illusive bathroom. Okay, actually I did. He assumed I worked there, "or something" because I was in costume (word to the uninformed a hat is a costume). So I sent him out of the restaurant and down the hall where there are signs that will lead you all along the second floor, but the illusive restrooms are unmarked and locked *Smirk*.
That's what you get for mocking me while I'm in line for the bathroom and being too stupid to see that the mens room is right next to it. But then several women commented on my "Costume" and asked if I worked there. Since I WAS in costume and suddenly was employed there "or something" I reminded them the USO was in Navy Pier and would they mind letting me go ahead of them as I needed to get back to work
(or something).

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Best friends, B.O., Biology, Breeders, Baal and Balance

When you get a call from you best friend, who is spending 10 days with her family, and under the din of 6 people trying to talk over each other and screaming children you hear a ghost in the connection begging (in a silent and breathless way) "Save meee" you go. Tho leaving town on a Friday after work and arriving downstate on the same day is a mathematic vehicularly impossibility
Amtrak has managed it every time. I love the train so I happily take the train down on a friday night and let Vehicularly chic Big Daddy follow the next day with the puppy. As far as travel goes I think it is the best. It takes longer than air travel but the seats are bigger and you can move about all you want. It is about the same as driving but you aren't driving and there is a bar car. Ah the luxuries of a by gone era.
We bordered late then had to wait for the reattaching of the engine so it was at least 50 minutes before I was relaxing in the bar car. But once I'm there that means everything is fine. It's fine by me if you want to role along at a reduced rate of speed thru the quaint little towns, over river and by field as long as we get there tonight. But then we stop and suddenly the bar car fills up with construction workers just off the job. Meet my sweaty new boyfriend...
Nope he is not wearing a shirt, neither were any of his friends.
So I arrive late and apologize profusely to my friend and her dad who also came to pick me up. Some things never change, her parents have been rescuing me as long as they've known me. They didn't seem to taken aback by the 40 min. wait. I was starving when I got there and ate the leftover ribs and Cuban sandwich. This is just the beginning of the biological experiment I performed on myself over the next 2 days: Biscuits and gravy, baked spaghetti, baguettes drenched in olive oil and cheese, BBQ, and of course bourbon. There was also the 6year old wedding cake top (Big Daddy rightly so passed on that saying at least one person should abstain) I still have a gastric pain in my side. Every time she and I are together lately it seems we try to kill each other. We also stayed up into the wee hours of the morning drinking and I got to follow that up with the 6am "thump-thump-thump-thump-thump-thump.... SHRIEK WAIIIIL" wake up call of a 2&1/2 year old above me. This child did nothing but throw tantrums and shriek from the time I got there until I left. I think we all know how I feel about children. But this ones mother must have mated with Satan. The child speaks 3 recognizable words, is unresponsive to discipline AND his name, violent, and spoiled. This was the worst torture I have endured. My best friend asked me to watch him for a moment, knowing full well I would push him off the balcony the first chance I got, too haggard and spent from the family and the cooking and the babysitting she was doing on this vacation to think straight. She looked desperate when I flatly refused. I don't think it occurred to her until later I WAS being responsible by saying no. *Shudder*
I knew why she and her dad seemed so unperturbed by my train being 40 min. late. My respite was going to my mothers house to do chores and I was glad for it. She had told me about the gardening and the sorting and hauling but she hadn't mentioned the gutters. The gutters had forests of 3 inch maple trees growing out of them. She said she would have paid someone to do them but the only person who had offered was a drunk and she didn't want him on the ladder. So it was in a state of sleep deprived-inebriated-hungoverness that I found myself on the roof looking down over the edge happily scooping out the trees and their foul smelling life source of composted water glad for the peace.

Friday, June 27, 2008

What happend to AutomatedSystem Unapproved

Monday, June 23, 2008

Only Einstein is smart enough to become Norma Jean Baker

If you stand 15 feet away (or blur your eyes) it will become Marilyn Monroe.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Old "old" is the new "New"

The "New Americans"

Refers to people trying to live within their means.
Cutting back on travel, food, entertainment. Learning what it means to budget and make cuts. I feel a little guilty. In the past 2 months I have spent (superfluously) more than I made annually in 1992. But then again, until recently, I was the new american. I made my clothes, lived on food from Aldi's, counted my money before gassing up the car, didn't have cable, often didn't have a tv.
We just called it poor.
I guess I didn't realize how hard things had gotten. Or how easy things had become. Meat at every meal, not pricing different brands, ordering in, picking up tabs. Buying books, clothes, craft supplies. Taking trips, planning vacations, eyeing home electronics, things no one really needs
I'll probably go back to the "New American" lifestyle. Now that it has been brought to my attention.
But it was nice to live the way the "old america" lived for a while.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Peter Lorre

Best known for his sinister roles Lorre co-starred with other horror actors such as Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff.
He now goes by the name "Noe" and works in a chicago restaurant called Mambo Grill

from working with German playwright Bertolt Brecht to this... what a shame
but held up remarkably for his age

Monday, June 02, 2008

Blogger falls by the way side

It's just too much work.
I have joined so many damn sites to view peoples pictures and now I have had to join these "Social Networking" ones too.
I'm afraid it takes up a lot of time telling, retelling and duplicating till I feel like I'm plagiarizing myself.
Also I've actually started trying to organize my writing. I do that occasionally and my bar bill tends to increase at the same time (also it's very hard not to go back to smoking during this process).
Anyway, so sorry to say, Blogger you may suffer.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Blind Study of Celebrity look alikes

It's the sunglasses isn't it. I only bring it up because I was showing someone (who doesn't know my family) wedding pictures and they thought the Dude in the sunglasses was funny. R and I just looked at each other and said nothing. He seemed like a nice guy and after all, it would just make him feel like an ass if we told him...
The Dude is my dad
and he's blind.

At least he keeps good company

I see the resemblance


Except for the hair and the hands

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I love sexy people and Jazz best next to food and liquor.

Monday, May 12, 2008


This week is the big structuring/planning and development meeting that happens after large merger/takeovers. I have been working on presentations for 3 days of meetings for about as many weeks.

I have discovered:
1. There were things I didn't know about PowerPoint
2. The more you show people things, the more apt they are to change them & change them back.
3. Some things "envisioned" can only be done manually
4. powerpoint is NOT my friend
5. Printers refuse to work after about the thousandth color heavy, graphic intense page you print. AKA Just when you need them.

Oh, well soon it'll all be done and I'll get to stop working 12 hour days like a chump.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

in response to your mother

His Birthday
Lets see I'm taking him to New York, and trying to get him to pick a show to see, he just bought a PlayStation 3, and will soon be using the tax return on a new TV.
Nope, I can't think of a single thing that spoiled brat needs

Friday, April 25, 2008

Birthdays Recap

Operation crop dusting bitch:
This is what you do when you never see your sister and brother in law and can't bitch about the inlaws because they are always around. You get a hotel room 45 min from your family the night before your slated to show up and play Wii, drink wine, and gossip. This was the best birthday present I got. Just being able to hang out with people you really like, but never actually get to spend time with. If our parents ever found out they'd kill us. Hooray for setting up play dates for people over 30

Went home to celebrate Sis -n- mine B-day. Spent the day playing games with: husband, mom, sister, and her Sig.other who was oddly enough wearing the EXACT same clothes as he was last time I saw him (Christmas). Apparently he thinks it's kosher to wear sweats and (THE) t-shirt when invited to other peoples homes for occasions. Still refused to help Sis (after mother prompted him) when she was getting chairs from the basement and a table from the porch "She's a big girl, she can manage" and never offered to help with anything. And this was his chance to try to make a better impression than he did at Christmas....
Wow, a downward spiral of failure dude.
Not to mention that for her actual birthdate she got to stay at home and take care of him, his pulled tooth self, and his 4 kids. WoooAhhhh Wow!
SERIOUSLY? You've been dating for a year and that's his idea of a birthday weekend. If MY birthday fell on a Friday Damn RIGHT I'd be going out. NOR did I hear tell of the fantastic gift he got her.... no tales of any gift from him. And she showed off the amber Daddy got her and the Bocci set from momma.

Hey. Wait a minute, I just realized I didn't get a gift from my family.

And words come back to haunt you.
So on my birthday... My husband went out to dinner without me.
Going out to dinner tonight tho at "Catch 35" Which I thought was really clever, till I did the math and realized I didn't just turn 35.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Amazon emails

So I get an email from Amazon yesterday. Subject line:

A Gift Has Been Purchased from Your Amazon Baby Registry.

A Baby Registry gift will be arriving soon! We thought you might like to know that an item was recently purchased from your Baby Registry. If you can't wait to know what it is and who it's from, and want to send a thank-you note, visit your Thank-You List . All necessary details are available, including the gift-giver's address.

Congratulations and Best Wishes,
Your friends at's Baby Registry

Whaa? Is there something Amazon and I need to talk about. Something R needs to tell me?
I double check, sure enough I'm still not pregnant and don't have a baby registry. But now I'm really wondering what it is.

Today I get another email from Amazon, subject: Recent E-mails from
So it was a mistake.

Greetings from

We're contacting you about the e-mail message we mistakenly sent to
you indicating that an item was purchased from your baby registry;
this message was sent to you in error. We intended to send you an
e-mail regarding your Amazon Wedding Registry, but the text of the
message was incorrect. Please watch for a message regarding your
Amazon Wedding Registry in the next day or two.

We apologize for any confusion this may have caused. We are looking
into this matter and we are taking steps to prevent this from
happening again.

Wait. I don't have a wedding registry either.
I wonder what it is.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 , and Golf Clubs 4.1. (and NASCAR 500.0)

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You
Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the
Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,
Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Friday, January 25, 2008

If family were professors

Or what happens when your sis-n-law says she thinks the 3 men in the family missed their calling as professors.

Prof. Ol' man B: Beloved by his students for never staying on topic long enough to have time for tests. Cons: Never win an argument, never get out of joining him in "one last drink"
American History, Useless Factoids: The Rain in Spain and the improbability of 76 trombones,
Misguided Politics: You maybe wrong and An Economist I'm not.
Project Pacing: Wood working, Home and car restoration "Before Death"

Prof. Grizzly Adams B: Sometimes students can't find their class as he prefers the coffee shop, park or pub as the ideal writing environment. Cons: will often rant at you in soft mumbly tones and has been known to feed particularly bad stories to a goat in on his self sufficient organic co-op/ Pirate farm managed by his lovely wife.
Writing: Fiction, Prose, Logogram
Cooking: What you dont know about your Grill and How to talk to your Kitchen
Environmental Science: bad stories make good compost

Prof. Techno-snob B: Can be sidetracked by most anything shiny and new or antiquated and still running, uses a system of demerits where everyone starts out in the hole, hosts a geek-fest every other thursday in his home where his lovely wife encourages students to get blotto or receive additional demerits.
Cons: Pre Req for all classes. Will insist you have a well thought out researched "In case of Zombie Apocalypse" strategy.
Theory of applied Code: How to make it apply to everything
Cinematography: Science Fiction and Horror, Seriously some of it's good.
Interactive Fiction: it's the code that counts

Imagine having all three nutty professors in your course list - if you survive you get bonus classes from Dr. Mrs. Not-a-Birk in Politics: Why You Should Hate Hillary and Craft Fairs of the Southwest.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

My brush with Texas

Hi, I’m back. And work has swallowed me whole again.
Fortunately I missed the 20 below temps of the weekend by going to a chilly San Antonio. Rainy and chilly but still better than windy and freezing. I have a new respect for my bosses with their business dinners. Everytime I went out to eat I had to take meetings with catering, concierge, and upper management. I only got 1 hot meal (and the venison was wonderful).
In 2 days I took in 4 meetings and 6 site visits. Everything is walkable, if you like to walk in circles for miles, and since there is a noticeable lack of cabs that’s a good thing, unless you are trying to make meetings back to back. If you don’t mind missing the fine tourist traps like Lone Star Mercantile Gift Shop (which also boasts live wild west shows, rattle snake rattles and livestock oddities), the 5 and Dime or Walgreen… yes before they went all plural, on the street level the River Walk is lovely and less windy. R and I wandered up and down it several times. Parts of it are very touristy, full of shops and restaurants on top of restaurants and tourists. And some branches are quiet and peaceful. But enough about work. Lets just say it involved a lot of walking, a lot of cold food and I was VERY grateful for the complimentary wine each hotels sent up to my room.
We had dinners and lunches in lovely places but I can’t help but wonder about the dress code. There seems to be the oddest Texan trend to wear really furry and warm high healed boots and tiny tiny skirts. I’m not kidding, at one dinner a girl used 2 napkins for coverage when she was sitting. And we still got the full show. This was everywhere. Furry boots and tiny skirts. Tassels from the knee to the toe, much longer than the skirts. Fur fluffed boots and ...Was that a tuft peeking out of her skirt too? Even the modest girl I saw wearing boots, leggings and a thigh-high sweater, I was surprised to discover (as she pulled at her sweaters upward creeping direction) her leggings didn’t go all the way up. R and I spent quite some time trying to understand this phenomenon. If you feet are extra toasty then your legs are too warm? You need the short skirt to keep cool?
I finally decided they must suffer from some hot coochie syndrome. Really, you should see a doctor, not just adjust your wardrobe.
We went to the Alamo. It’s got a great courtyard now (love what they’ve done with the place) with huge ancient trees. Inside the chapel we over heard the tour guide telling how the soldiers had carved their names into the walls, which was exciting to see in a chilling way (I was a little surprised that “Amy hearts Bobby” altho’ I already knew from my history that Commander “Travis Wuz” there). Most people are surprised by how small it is, not me. I was surprised by how in the middle of town it was. I know, I know the forts are the center of the community that springs up but I’ve just never really seen it in a modern day setting (across the street from a Ripley's ( Believe It Or Not!).
We also went to see the Spanish Governors House. It was a little hard to find. First we mistook a hotel for it, then a municipal building, and almost walked past the tiny structure known as a "palace”. Ok, maybe for 1722 it was, but wedged in between the Department of Human Services and the courthouse parking lot we might never have seen it if not for the wrought iron fence (next to some construction) around part of its garden.
Needless to say it wasn’t crowded. The tiny rooms and period furniture really take you back in time to those black and white Zorro movies. I kept looking for the “Z” but the only carving I found there was the front door, which is still the front door. It is a picture story representing the Spanish trip, how they got here, the dangerous dragons they encountered, who they met, etc. I couldn’t follow it too well but there was a striking resemblance to Montezuma on one of the panels.