+50

Stop reading! Please, save yourself, I can not stop writing.
Another case of boring myself. God I'm tired of hearing about it. Tired of thinking about it. But still, there it is. The Red Eye, the paper of choice to endure mass transit and protect from rain, ran an article about how to endure those post wedding blues. Apparently I'll miss all the planning and excitement and get depressed. Man if that's true I'm doomed.

R and I take turns trying to avoid the subject. This weekend it must have been my turn.
R: You didn't say much about eloping, and then having a reception in bean town and then one here

My chest tightens. 2 receptions, higher cost, more work. Elopement AND 2 receptions... My sister will kill me since she is making my dress and is signing as a witness and is a maid of honor, my best friend will be downcast not to be the matron of honor and be in a pretty dress. I feel my adrenalin kicking it up a notch. If we suggest it, the families will say: "Well then why not just get married here in Bean town"

Me: It’s just 2 receptions is more cost
R: Well the one in bean town can be done for cheep and then your mom can invite the 50 people from her family she insists you have to invite
Deep breaths, ignore the graying sky, think of puppies
R: I’ll crunch some numbers, but we could invite less people to the one here so it would be cheaper
Me: Crunch some numbers and let me know

That had been a fun conversation. I asked my mom for her list months ago. I assumed 8. Boy was I wrong. I stopped her by the time we got to 48. If I’m having a small wedding, where R and I each invite 50 people, whom do I not invite? My life long friends, co-workers, my dads family?
Personally I’m thinking “Myself”
I could turn over the bean town reception to my mom. Maybe that would make her happy. Unlike my previous attempts: self sufficient, responsible, college, success, buying a home, getting engaged. Who am I kidding. My heart continues sinking. I feel the dark dread reminiscent of high school. The feeling something really bad is coming. Anxiety with a chance of oncoming depression. Why can’t ANYONE be happy.

Me: We are never going to be able to make everyone happy…. I hate talking about the wedding. I’m not even having any fun with this. I really hate all of it and it’s not fair.
R: No it’s not fair.