The Tales Of KAGE

AP Wire

This weekend “KAGE” was seen in Decatur.
Paparazzi reported they spent most of the week
sequestered in the lake front property with 2
unidentified men. Neighbors reported loud
conversations late into the night and the Sanitation
Department spokesperson stated, “there were enough
bottle and can recycling to put my kid through
college”.
Earlier reports of KAGE’s involvement in the
local zoo missing 2 rare birds and a snake were
discovered to be premature when the bloated
constrictor confessed to staging the whole thing for a
tasty snack.
There have been rumors of a backyard blow out to take
place in August. Several “Sources” say white shotguns
have been flying off the shelves of nearby Wal-Mart’s
as well as washtubs and waders from the Rural King. It
is only our guess what out local trashy duo will be
coming up with next.

Exclusive!!

Law enforcement sources tell us KAGE's medical condition was purely psychological and that they were in peril of having a nervous breakdown, causing an early release this morning.

Psychiatrist Dr. Bob Who visited KAGE in jail yesterday and the day before. We're told after Who's visit yesterday, he reported KAGE to be in a fragile mental state. "She kept mumbling that she had a "show" to do with a pile of gay men, and then became severely agitated about 4:30 p.m., saying she "just needed to chill."

KAGE's behavior in the weeks prior to the planned incarceration (for a public indecency charge last fall, when they were caught urinating in the First Christian Church's baptismal font) has been increasingly unstable. Only last week they were found in the backyard of a well-to-do neighborhood committing acts of vandalism. "What startled me at first," said Sergeant Dick Withem, who reported from the scene, "were their repeated shouts of 'Death to pink!' as they tore through the flower beds. But I was even more suprised to find them covered head to toe in dense, lemon-flavored cake. From the lingering smell when I had to refinish the upholstery, I'm fairly certain that raspberries were involved."

More reports as they arrive from your first source for celebrity news!

UpDateEr
It seems Psychiatrist Dr. Bob Who’s reports to the authorities about KAGE’s health were falsified. According to a recently dismissed employee, Rose Tyler who gave several tabloids simultaneous individual exclusives by popping in and out of a shimmering-whooping callbox .

KAGE’s reported breakdown was in part to cover up for a Centers for Disease Control investigation. KAGE was is to have created, and been carrying, their own signature plague. The early release from prison was arranged by CDC officials who wanted to run tests but not cause a panic. Rose went on to reveal the "show" referred to with a pile of gay men, was an actual show KAGE had to get to. She speculated it might be some “live-bang-club” considering previous reports of lemon cake wrestling. “The Doctor didn’t tell me, but et’s wot KAGE and their like do when their not waiting for the Snappers or dodging the Flith”

The CDC released a statement today stating that the
“KAGE Plague” may be followed by Strep Throat like symptoms.
The doctors who (no relation to Dr. Who) examined KAGE have confirmed it is not actually Strep but refer to it merely as worrisome and “Not right”. Doctors also gave KAGE a prescription for Xanax. “All you had to do was look in her eyes to be frightened. So, yes, I did just incase the breakdown wasn't a complete fabrication”.

Marketing genius Lex Luthor plans to release KAGE’s signature plague in November. “It’s particularly painful, totally believable but not deadly and that’s what people really look for around the holiday season”