That’s it…wedding’s off

But Veruca darling…

Apparently I want what she’s got.
My dearest friend just called me, laughing
Wanna know how the rumor mill goes?
So I want a big wedding with flowers and cake and sweetmeats and all the all. I want it to be expensive and fancy and I want it in biggest city I can find. My justification? Between my kicking and demanding I’m justifying this because “SHE” had a big fancy wedding.

She tried to talk me down, telling me to make it my own...


Here’s the funny thing.
I don’t CARE! Aside from it being very hard to plan a wedding in a different city (cause I’ll be damned if my mom is getting control) and our friends are here, I couldn’t care less.
I never had any expectations or dreams of this day.
R want’s to have here and, gee, since I don’t care here it is, or was.
Neither of us want all the pomp and circumstance. I can’t believe I’m getting a reputation for wanting it all.
I’m not doing this anymore if that’s how it’s gonna play out.
But what did I expect? I mean OBVIOUSLY the groom has no say in the matter of the wedding day. I called R.
~That’s it. I’m out. You plan it!

If I get married in BeanTown it will be immediate family only. Because, I don’t know anyone else there. And my matron of honor might want to decline so she can have the time to take off for the party we’ll have to have here if we do get married in BeanTown. How much FUN is a wedding without your friends? I bet it’s lots and LOTS!

But elopement is looking less and less dangerous. Sure sister will kill me because of the dress, R's parents will be sad/mad, mine…who the f' knows, and I won’t have any pictures, but I’ll still have my sanity… And ALL that money I’m spending on the behemoth of all behemoths of a wedding.

+50

Stop reading! Please, save yourself, I can not stop writing.
Another case of boring myself. God I'm tired of hearing about it. Tired of thinking about it. But still, there it is. The Red Eye, the paper of choice to endure mass transit and protect from rain, ran an article about how to endure those post wedding blues. Apparently I'll miss all the planning and excitement and get depressed. Man if that's true I'm doomed.

R and I take turns trying to avoid the subject. This weekend it must have been my turn.
R: You didn't say much about eloping, and then having a reception in bean town and then one here

My chest tightens. 2 receptions, higher cost, more work. Elopement AND 2 receptions... My sister will kill me since she is making my dress and is signing as a witness and is a maid of honor, my best friend will be downcast not to be the matron of honor and be in a pretty dress. I feel my adrenalin kicking it up a notch. If we suggest it, the families will say: "Well then why not just get married here in Bean town"

Me: It’s just 2 receptions is more cost
R: Well the one in bean town can be done for cheep and then your mom can invite the 50 people from her family she insists you have to invite
Deep breaths, ignore the graying sky, think of puppies
R: I’ll crunch some numbers, but we could invite less people to the one here so it would be cheaper
Me: Crunch some numbers and let me know

That had been a fun conversation. I asked my mom for her list months ago. I assumed 8. Boy was I wrong. I stopped her by the time we got to 48. If I’m having a small wedding, where R and I each invite 50 people, whom do I not invite? My life long friends, co-workers, my dads family?
Personally I’m thinking “Myself”
I could turn over the bean town reception to my mom. Maybe that would make her happy. Unlike my previous attempts: self sufficient, responsible, college, success, buying a home, getting engaged. Who am I kidding. My heart continues sinking. I feel the dark dread reminiscent of high school. The feeling something really bad is coming. Anxiety with a chance of oncoming depression. Why can’t ANYONE be happy.

Me: We are never going to be able to make everyone happy…. I hate talking about the wedding. I’m not even having any fun with this. I really hate all of it and it’s not fair.
R: No it’s not fair.

The war of where continues

I wonder if every couple has the misconception that the wedding day is their day. This may explain why, by the time the day arrives, the groom is usually plastered and the bride has proclaimed it is ALL about her a million times.

So far I have been told, who is signing my certificate, who my bridesmaids are going to be, what my dress will be made out of; then there is the ongoing argument about where it will be, who will be attending, how much I am spending.

I have acquiesced for the most part, because, what does it really matter? I, pardon me, WE keep putting our collective foot down about the where and I swear it goes in one ear and out the other with the mothers. They insist on offering other options. My mother keeps insisting she won’t be comfortable and will not be there. And all of them are convinced we are spending too much, not that they have once asked what we are planning on spending, and I will NOT be offering up that information since no one is offering to help pay for it, which for the record I did not expect nor feel slighted about. But since we are paying don’t we get to decide all this stuff?

I can’t wait till we start on the guest list and the food!

I don’t want to marry you anymore

I didn’t mean it like that!!!

It’s just too hard. All the fighting off the family, all the planning, all the preparations, all the ideas shot down and offered, all the compromises, all the…everything.
I was looking at plans for the honeymoon. Seeing what we could afford. Not much.

Can we just elope? I mean shouldn’t this be about us anyway, and what us really wants is a kick ass trip, us doesn’t care about our friends and family. Do you realize what a kick ass trip we could have if we used the wedding budget for it?

Nicest Dentist Ever

It's a lot easier to say that before they stick their hands and implements of destruction in your mouth.

My regularly scheduled dentist (of a whole twice) called me to remind me of an appointment on Wednesday. I told them I would not be keeping the appointment and probably not seeing them anymore.
With the added debt of a home and a wedding I have become more frugal. Deciding that my convenience is worth less and less. So I changed dentists. I had been seeing someone outside my "insurance network" because they were close to work. But those $115 cleanings are a thing of the past. Who can afford what the insurance doesn’t cover on that?

I located one in my new neighborhood and called them up.
They were taking new patients and I explained why I was switching dentists. And wanted to know how much he charged for a cleaning. He informed me (depending on the dirty teeth) 40-80 and that if I was in network, I didn’t HAVE to pay the extra the dentist charged if it was over what was covered. Who knew? My co-worker didn’t and had been paying the bills the dentist sent. What a scam!
The man on the phone went on to say he wasn’t sure if it was him or his brother who was in my “group” since he used to be but was more into cosmetic dentistry now…. Hold up. You answer your own phone? He scheduled me with his brother for Thursday.

As my co-worker and I discussed how fortunate I was to have called and found such a forthright dentist my cell rang, it was the brother dentist I just spoke to. It turns out his brother is not in my “network”. How could that be? I went on line and looked it up on my insurers website. But did I want to come in anyway? They wouldn’t charge me. “Uh, huh?” He would make sure that the cleaning cost under what the insurance would pay.

As I said, nicest dentist ever, or best con-job ever

"my dear, a few tips for your upcoming transition into married life..... "

The Good Wife’s Guide

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

5. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

6. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

8. Be happy to see him.

9. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

11. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

12. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

13. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

14. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

15. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

16. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

17. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

18. A good wife always knows her place.

true or false?

Does everyone think she’s crazy?

When I moved I called up a 3rd cousin to help me with the unpacking. We live in the same area and hadn’t hung out. Well I think she’s also about 7 yrs younger, but she was one of the cousins I hung out with at the awkward family get togethers.

When I was young we didn’t go to those things often. And when we did it seemed my grand parents rarely went so I really didn’t know anyone. By the time I was 13, when we started going with some regularity, I was too young for the older kids and adults and the perfect age for supervising the younger kids. That was fine by me, there was always tension, and this gave me an excuse to be excused to go play. I always had the feeling my sister and I weren’t really liked. It was in the way adults, who in my experience would try to make conversation with bright kids (such as my sister and myself), would stare at me silently as I grasped for a way to keep a conversation going. I tried to make the effort because I knew there was bad blood there somewhere.

According to my mom, the brothers and sisters had some issues (her dad and all the great Aunts and Uncles). Apparently grandpa had gone through two farms and the rest had been good stewards. But there was other stuff to. Her parents weren’t really fond of us either; they preferred their “boy” grand children (all 5) produced by her brother, but (to be fair) they weren’t terribly fond of my mother either. I’ll probably never be sure why. All I know is my mom got her collar bone broken for laying her horses bridal on the deep freeze when she was growing up, my father was told “no one else wants her” as a response to getting permission to marry her, and there were lots of angry letters, in my grandmothers impossible handwriting, buried in my moms glove drawer.

Now that we are older my sister and I have tried to explain, to our mother, how uncomfortable these get togethers make us feel. Fighting the fact that these are mandatory. Now that we are old enough to speak with the adults, we still have nothing in common and still know (like you are supposed to know relatives) hardly anyone. So it was nice to call a distant cousin over to hang out and help unpack. We did a little work and began to drink. It had been a high stress and shitty day for me (what with the move and the movers wrecking the gate) and the drinks went down smooth. I began to get tipsy sitting on the ottoman with my cousin chatting. When we started talking about the family. It was a new experience for me. Having someone to talk about them with. Some of the relationships (which great Aunt was connected to which 3rd cousin) she had to help me out with. But she talked about everyone. So it really shouldn’t have surprised me then when she said “So&so is such a gossip so I had to hear you were engaged from your own mouth. You know I told my mom that she really shouldn’t just take what they say at face value. I keep telling her to get to know your mom for herself”.

The words stunned me, the next day as I sobered up. I called my sister, “So what’s up with that? I had no idea they talked about momma? I mean it just never occurred to me.” Her tone let me know I was still a little naive adolescent and I suddenly felt really protective and sorry for my mom. “I thought it was just us. Does everyone think she’s crazy?”