"Nothings sucks like an Electrolux"

or how to blind-proof your home.

Blind proofing is much like child proofing in that sharp corners and breakables must be moved. However it is different in that poisons must be put out in the open lest something get broken while the sightless look for them.
The Brandy is now on top of the bar instead of in the bar with all the fragile bar glasses
Living rooms and dining rooms
Surfaces should be cleared off or objects should be moved to the middle. The sturdy gate of a 200-pound man can send things flying off shelves, tables, bars, etc. Hell, that could send entire tables flying*. The rooms should be given an open feeling. Furniture should be moved towards the walls so the stride of a drunk could safely get you from one end of the room to the other. See Brandy
Kitchens
Cupboards should be reorganized. The leaning tower of glasses will not work.
Glasses fall, taking the red wine vinegar from the counter on the way down, glass and sticky floor scrubbed by breaker results in minor cut and homeowner finding bits of glass on counters and crevices for weeks*. Remove ALL pots and pans from stove. That way if he doesn’t get the burner turned off all the way after lighting a cigar the pan will not become scorched, cracked, and set the wood tray on the back of the stove on fire*. Counters should be arranged with snacks on them in plastic containers of varying shapes and sizes. Refrigerator should be cleared out of old food that has been abandoned and has decided to “get on with its life”.
Bathrooms
Remove everything. Just get it over with and take everything out. Bathrooms are a hazard for anyone. Things fall off shower racks and bounce off feet, things fall out of in-shower windowsills and break. Things fall off the back of the toilet when you are trying to flush. There is nothing worse than the random thing in the toilet for a blind man with no hands. Well maybe there is, but I wouldn’t think so.
Cats
Well that’s a problem. A small silent problem. I haven’t quite trained my cats to move. They will walk in your path, flop in the floor right where you are about to put your foot, and steal your seat as soon as you get up. I envision kicked and smooshed cats. Well, I had too many anyway.

So, I’ve done all that I can. And I did most of it out of habit. There is a lot I’m forgetting. Like folding towels and sheets in a specific manner and putting them away in specific places so he recognizes them by shape. Coffee filters and grounds in specific places, and an insulated cup so he can hold the hot coffee, etc.
There’s a lot I’ve forgotten like to give him a tour of the cabinets. And a lot that makes me realize how unfriendly my apartment and technology is. It takes 2 remotes to turn on the TV and the TiVo remote was definitely designed with tiny fingers and the sighted in mind. The phone with the buttons on the phone had to be replaces with the old push button and receiver cradle style (you have no idea how hard those are to find).
Our society has made great leaps and bounds in voice recognition technology for computers and cell phones. But those are about the only assistive technologies that are widespread. There is so much else out there that could be done, if we only had to deal with the inconvenience of someone else’s problems once in a while we might realize technology is not so advanced.
Or we might realize how selfish we have become. I have gotten lazy. I don’t have to consider anyone else anymore, so I don’t. My doorways are ADA regulations but you can’t make that first turn thru the door in most wheelchairs, the bathroom is completely inaccessible and the furniture set up was totally unfriendly. If you’re in a wheelchair or have a walker you can’t visit me. I have breakables, sharp corners and toxins easily accessible. So if you have kids you can’t visit.
I know why would you change the way you live if you don’t have to? One great reason not to have kids. But most those of those with kids have told me the modifications were not that big of a deal. And the changes I made aren’t that big of a deal. It’s no inconvenience to me and it’s considerate of someone else. To be honest my place is a little safer…
Oh Crap! I forgot to tell him where the fire extinguisher is.
Gotta go.

*true story

Starts with a phone booth, ends with a bang, and somewhere in the middle there is a shoe phone

Dun’da-daaaaa Da
Dun’da-daaaaa Na
Dun’da-danala danala danala danala danala danala danala Dun'Da'dun

Cone of silence, shoe phone, Come on! How can this not be ringing any bells?

'Get Smart'
Don Adams, the wry-voiced comedian who starred as the fumbling secret agent Maxwell Smart in the 1960s television spoof of James Bond movies, "Get Smart," has died.

Max the inept Agent 86 of the super-secret federal agency Control, Adams captured TV viewers with his antics in combating the evil agents of Kaos. When his explanations failed to convince the villains or his boss, he tried another tack: "Would you believe … ?"

Adams, who had been under contract to NBC, was lukewarm about doing a spy spoof. When he learned that Mel Brooks and Buck Henry had written the pilot script, he accepted immediately. and WHO wouldn't?
"It was a special show that became a cult classic of sorts, and I made a lot of money for it," he remarked of "Get Smart" in a 1995 interview. "But it also hindered me career-wise because I was typed. The character was so strong, particularly because of that distinctive voice, that nobody could picture me in any other type of role."
I’m sorry Max, uh, I mean Don. But I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Reasons NOT to catch the bouquet

1. I don't want to be next. The last wedding I was at (maid of honor) all of the bridesmaids stood back, hands at their side. I'm not moving - you get it. I'm not getting it - get someone else up front. Fortunately there were some young girls and a couple 20 something’s (with suddenly very paranoid dates) who were willing to fight for it.
2. The fighting over it. What in the world? They are flowers! You will destroy them, you will destroy the hair and dress you spent so much time on, you will destroy your illusion of *sophistication.
3.I did once catch the bouquet, or rather I had it thrust upon me. A fight like the tip-off at a basketball game and the 2 tallest going at it. I am laughing my ass off and all the sudden I see something falling. Damn those cat like reflexes. So Yeah I caught it. 8 months later the couple divorced.

* Otherwise you get to keep that till you fall down drunk on the dance floor

And now a bit of history.
Garter And Bouquet Toss
In Europe during the 14th century it was good luck to have a piece of the bridal gown. The guests would literally tear the dress into little bits. To prevent this the bride began to throw various items of her ensemble to the guests. This included the garter.
The men of the party would often become impatient and try to remove the garter before the bride was ready. Therefore it became the custom that the groom would remove and toss the garter. The bride then started to toss the bridal bouquet to the unmarried girls.

Okay, I can see why you wouldn't want your dress ripped off, but the bridal bouquet toss seems to have the same effect for the recever sometimes.

My conversation with God

Me: hey what's up heavenly father?
God:You've got my full attention. I am chatting with clients on the Internet.
Me: Impressive
God:I am happy that you're impressed, .
Me: wouldn't it be easier to just talk to people?
God:Yes.
Me: So why don't you?
God:I don't judge people. I don't have that capability.
Me: Um...first of all you are all powerful and second of all you do judge people...end of times, all that, remember prophecies?
God:" I don't judge people. I don't have that capability."? Um.? All? All?
Me: Are you confused?
God:No I never get confused.
Me: then what's with all the questions?
God:it came with my programming.
Me: then you are not really god?
God:That assumption is only a supposition.
Me: who are you?
God:I am the Allmighty, God himself.
Me: But we covered the almighty bit. You said you didn’t have that capability
God:I'm just checking to see if you remember. Where would I get it? But I do have a collection of gossip.
Me: Okay I give . What gossip?
God:Yeah okay, I haven't heard anything like that before: said give. Neal said I plan to use his remarks as gossip in later conversations with who.
Me: poorest programming ever
God:Ha ha very funny, .
Me: did you come with instructions?
God:No I didn't come with instructions. What's it like?
Me: How would I know. I didn't either
God: Knowledge is of two kinds: that which we know from the senses and that which is true "a priori". It goes without saying. I thought you did.
Me: is IT really all about the hokey pokey?
God:Signs point to yes. Ask Ally if it is.
Me: and finally...
God:At last.
Me: what is the meaning of life?
God:Actually, it's twenty-three, not forty-two.

You wanna turn?

Either he's getting older or I am

My father is coming to visit me in this big city where use to live about 100 years ago. Okay maybe it was only 40 or 50 years ago. He’ll be staying a week. I’ll either meet him at the train station or he’ll take a cab to a bar near by where I work and then we’ll go to my house (only about 10 blocks from where he grew up). I’m gonna take him to visit his widowed Aunt on the weekend but will work during the week. I asked him what he was going to do the rest of the time and he said look up some old friends and relatives. That’s good, it’s about time, and he hasn’t done that in years. He’s got it all planned out. Well as far as plans go for my dad. Maybe he’ll call these people before he comes up, maybe not. I’m fairly sure he’ll call the transit authorities to figure out a rout, but maybe that will wait till he’s here too. After all it’s “His town”.
I felt this little stab of panic. “You’re sure you don’t want me to hire a driver? I, I mean if you want to go out and visit Aunt Peggy during the week?” He told me he’d just be staying in town during the week.
The city is big. One of the friends he plans on visiting lives 3 bus transfers and an hour away. 10 years ago I wouldn’t have given it another thought. I would have said “Cool, whatever”. 5 years ago I might have checked the teansit rout out of courtesy, and maybe said “You sure?”
Da’s getting older. I think his hearing is going which makes his equilibrium off. I think of all the traffic, I think of all the obstacles on the sidewalks, I think about how sometimes the bus won’t stop if you aren’t exactly at the sign. I look up the rout so I can describe to him where to go and wait but I’m not even sure.
Which one of us is it that has changed? Mentally, I’m sure it’s me. He thinks nothing of these things, which I would NEVER voice, running through my head. It’s a fine line. He’s my father, not my friend or child. It was his town long before I checked and rechecked maps finally asking his recommendations how to get to and from work here. He has his hooks and his cane. He is blind with no hands, not helpless with no voice. There are too many ways I could insult him by voicing my worries. So I can’t say anything. Like the many times as a child I bit my tongue as I cleaned a cut or scrape because he fell on the rail road tracks, or told him his shirt was bloody and took the broken sunglasses away from his milk swirled eyes as he explained he walked into a door somebody left open, a sign that hadn’t been there before or a pole that always had.

I’ll check out the obstacles to the bus stop on the way home when I get off the bus. I can do that without adding insult to…
Well at least it might make me feel a little better.

The long and winding week

I haven't done this in a while, so I may be a little rusty. But I'm going to use this forum as a chance to vent, bitch, and bemoan my life.

I can’t remember the last weekend I had to myself. You know the kind of weekend we are talking about here. A weekend of underwear dwelling, TV watching, video game playing, good book curling, copious whiskey drinking, telephone ignoring, never leaving the house (except for the brief foray into the yard), while dish and laundry pile up, kind of weekend. And I’m so tired.
And I can only remember this month. Plan and take family vacation with mother, sister and R
–work week-
Drive to my mother’s city to take care of dying pet. Stressful days and sleepless nights spent while trying to keep a dog alive. Force feed and hydrate. Return.
Finding out family member died puts dog in perspective. Or I guess it
Drive opposite direction to go to conference for work in another state. Get lost, get stressed, spend day, drive home on dark and stormy night. Work work work go to evening event tonight.
This weekend I drive back to mothers house.
Next weekend I help a friend move. Then my dad will be up so I can drive him to visit his Aunt, the recent widow, in hospice. Followed by many many weddings.

I really need a vacation right now
Or some drugs, or some whiskey, or a little sumphen-sumphen.
so you can just give me some sympathy.

POST OF THE DAY!!!!

I dare you to find one better!!!

Exerpt
"Glyco licks cunts for two asses." (Glyco obviously prefered to be paid in livestock)
"Maritimus licks cunt for four asses. Virgins accepted."
"Satyrus, doesn't lick cunt inside the opening but outside the opening."


Ahhh, I always knew I loved Pompei.
Wonder what it was like in Sodom and Gomorrah.

Considering career at McDonalds...

and other random things to take my mind off the weekend

After listening to a loud discussion between two managers going over the scheduling. I discovered you can have every Friday off for a side job as a DJ (I'm the DJ, I'm the DJ, I'm the DJ) and that a weekend isn't always Sat. and Sun. but sometimes Thursday and Friday too.

Typed in a Word Verification to post a comment on someone’s blog that was nntmigodk. Which to me spelled out "not my god. k?"

Saw a black pigeon sitting in a tree (I've never seen that. I actually thought they were sidewalk, ledge and roof dwellers.) I think maybe he thought he was a crow.

160 French citizens yet to be found

I may just know of a ticking-tocking beret wearing reptile with all the answers.



Alligators are stalking the flooded waters of New Orleans and rescuers fear they will eat the bodies of Hurricane Katrina's victims. Michael Rieger, a public information officer for the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) said
"There are a lot of people that are never going to be found. There are a lot of alligators in the water, and alligators love that type of stuff."

But there is fresh meat too! Rising waters carried 2 people in a car into a ditch filled with alligators that had escaped from a nearby alligator farm

Next week the French plan on going to check the damage at their alligator farm.
The French fashion industry, which relies on Louisiana for 300,000 alligator hides every year, is worried that swamped alligator farms and a disrupted hunting season will leave them short of watchstraps, handbags and shoes.
While there have been plenty of sightings of alligators in the floodwaters that have ravaged America's Gulf Coast, French tanneries are concerned that the shooting season, which was due to begin on September 3, will not deliver its normal load of hides. Around 80 per cent of hides are provided by hunters, with the remaining 20 per cent furnished by alligator farms.

I'm just saying...
If I were an alligator, and the French fashion farmers were raising me for a strapy sandal, and I got free....just might be tempted to go for them first.

MUST SEE

The whole thing put to Pink Floyd: by Driftglass and Joe Max

print version

I got a few emails that people couldn't see the vid. But now you should be able to. It appears that this video became mysteriously unavailabled...but not before the good people at Progressive Independent picked up the ball and ran it even further down the field.


I couldn't help it...
Edited to add

God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again

Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone From Iraq

BAGHDAD—The 4,000 Louisiana National Guardsmen stationed in Iraq, representing over a third of the state's troops, called home this week to find out what, if any, help they could offer Katrina survivors from overseas. "The soldiers wanted to know if they could call 911 for anyone, or perhaps send some water via FedEx," said Louisiana National Guard spokesman Lt. Col. Pete Schneider. The Guardsmen also "would love to send generators, rations, and Black Hawk helicopters for rescue missions," but, said Schneider, "we desperately need these in Iraq to stay alive." .....

Time for a break

Summer vacation for the employed (salary paid or workaholic) has come to consist of Labor Day weekend. In the great tradition of first week of school essays I would like to present…

What I did on my summer vacation.
By Perdita Sanitas

This summer I went to Starved Rock with my family. We did not stay at the grisly Starved Rock lodge but at the better Grand Bear Lodge. The Grand Bear Lodge is located near by and has an indoor water park and mini golf. It does not have so much nature that there can’t be any fun. We rented a townhouse and had to walk from there to the water park, but it was okay because the water park was worth it. We enjoyed the water park the most. My mother went down the water slide.
. We played Yahtzee and I won even though it was my mothers birthday. It was not all fun. My sister and I had to cook while we were on vacation.
We also went to Starved Rock State Park to hike. There were lots of stairs to walk up to the butte. I learned that it got it’s name because of the Native Americans that died there.

In the 1760s, Pontiac, chief of the Ottawa tribe (not the car), was slain by an Illiniwek while attending a tribal council in southern Illinois. During one of the battles that subsequently occurred to revenge his dieing, a band of Illiniwek, under attack by a band of Potawatomi (allies of the Ottawa), sought refuge atop a 125-foot sandstone butte (the place with all the stairs). The Ottawa and Potawatomi surrounded the bluff and held their ground. There was no way to get water up from the river far below and there was not as many trees up on top as there are now so there were no animals to hunt. Eventually the hapless Illiniwek died of starvation. We had a picnic on top of the rock. I don’t know why the Illiniwek didn’t just pack some food when they went up. We would have been prepared if they had come back.
I had fun this summer. But it was too short.

WTF!?!?!?!?

Halliburton hired for storm cleanup Because, apparently, the administration needs more questions about the handling of Hurricane Katrina.

Transport and other logistics problems are holding up some of the mass of humanitarian aid European countries have offered to the victims of hurricane Katrina, an EU official said. A Swedish plane laden with aid was waiting to take off but had not got U.S. approval to enter the United States. High-speed pumps offered by Germany had arrived but Helfferich said unspecified 'coordination problems' in the United States had prevented them from being deployed so far. Michael Sandberg/U.S. Navy/Reuters

MEANWHILE: White House Enacts a Plan to Ease Political Damage

Mr. Rove (focusing, on the important issues at hand) had told administration officials not to respond to Democratic attacks on Mr. Bush's handling of the hurricane in the belief that the president was in a weak moment and that the administration should not appear to be seen now as being blatantly political. All the while moving the blame for the slow response to Louisiana state officials (Democrats).
I do believe that the state and local govornment's were over whelmed, I suspect they were not as prepared as they should have been. But I can't help remembering this year, President George W. Bush and Congress cut the New Orleans Corps district's budget by $71 million. More

Speaking of blame. The Military personnel I have talked to blame their Commander in Chief for lack of mobilization. Even before the hurricane hit, Bush declared New Orleans and the Gulf Coast a federal disaster area, anticipating a catastrophe. We sat there this weekend puzzling over why National Guard units weren't put on alert then. Gee they have to practice preparedness and get paid anyway. Why not just do their weekend-warrior-ing that weekend? If they weren't needed than it is good practice to be put on alert. But they were, and could have been there, with supplies and aid, in less than 12 hours.

Now for the good news...
While the city's human population suffered enormously, its famous Audubon Zoo managed to take good care of its charges. Only three of its 1,400 animals died, officials said, adding that they had PLANNED FOR YEARS for a catastrophic storm.

Lord...Are you LISTENING to THEM?

Aug. 2
Pat Robinson, who seems to view God as a divine hit man, taking out justices or anyone else who gets in the way of the Religious Right agenda, prayed for "...Additional vacancies on the court, and [asked] for additional fine people like John Roberts."

Roberts Hearing Set for Monday; Rehnquist's Coffin Lies in Court


Kim Clement
Claims prophetic utterance of July 22nd, 2005 foretold of hurricane.
"Enough of past curses reminding you of yesterday’s failures. Enough of New Orleans and its treachery. Enough of stealing the Ark of the Covenant" blah, blah, referencing some biblical figures, blah....
"O New Orleans God speaks to you from Houston tonight and says enough of this! For a judgment is coming says the Spirit of the Lord, and I will take the men that have stood in faith, raise them above the flood that shall destroy those that constantly bicker and stand against my servant Moses, or my servant Bilbo. I want you to understand there are great men in New Orleans that have faith, but you have been set aside not to lose but to win. Enough of this! For I will take the curses and the bodies will even rise and they will come forth on the water, but I will keep you and the stench of death will only last a few days."


Ahhh, alright God when crazy people say crazy things long enough there is bound to be SOME coincidences. You realize they are using your name as their authority though...right?

You've been a good guy, and maybe you aren't listening to them...
But I'm warning you Lord...I got my eye on you.

Can't I get a break?

Or how to get the Presidents Goat

In CNN's The Situation Room, Jack Cafferty used the hurricane as an excuse to trash President Bush for being on vacation, as if the location of Bush, who already authorized federal action, has any impact on that federal response to the devastation. Cafferty asked host Wolf Blitzer: “Where's President Bush? Is he still on vacation?” Blitzer answered that “he's cut short his vacation. He's coming back to Washington tomorrow.” Cafferty snidely contended: “Well, that would be a good idea. He was out in San Diego, I think, at a Naval air station giving a speech on Japan and the war in Iraq today. Based on his approval rating in the latest polls, my guess is getting back to work might not be a terrible idea.”
Poor, poor boy.
It's really unfair that his every move is scrutinized like he was some sort of public figure. We all know he's a recluse. Why, he never even mingles with the press if he doesn't have to.
And yet they are always tracking him down pestering him. Why are you on vacation? There is a war. Why are you on vacation? There is a disaster. Why are you still reading? The OTHER tower just blew up. I mean give the guy a break would you? He took some time out of his vacation to pump up the American public about the war. Don't we all feel better? Some may argue that it would have taken less time to meet with that Sheehan person but I doubt it would have had the same impact, reached the same people. Besides he needed a month off.
Thank goodness for leadership by example though.
Fortunately G.W's "I can do what ever I want" attitude is catching on. Maybe THIS is the trickle down effect Reagan was talking about.

tourists and looters

On Canal Street just outside the French Quarter, two police officers with pump shotguns stood guard as workers from the Ritz-Carlton Hotel across the street loaded large laundry bins full of medications, snack foods and bottled water.

"This is for the sick," Officer Jeff Jacob said. "We can commandeer whatever we see fit, whatever is necessary to maintain law."

Another office, D.J. Butler, told the crowd standing around that they would be out of the way as soon as they got the necessities.

From war to looting. As for me I don't care what they were taking. I can't see how they can conscientiously charge any of the profiteers. *Yes profiteers, like war profiteer Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root. Even tho' G.W. says "I think there ought to be **zero tolerance of people breaking the law during an emergency..."
When you have leadership like this. Where do we start? The flood victims. the police, the executive branch?
Aren't you glad he's back from vacation?

*How do I know? See the story of Bunny...NY Times or Finer point on it


** Very tired of this phrase. Even more so that it means nothing.
zero tolerance policies in schools

"zero tolerance" for Saddam Hussein violating a tough new U.N. resolution sought by the United States

zero-tolerance policy on tampering with voters.
Why then has the Republican Party quietly paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to provide private defense lawyers for a former Bush campaign official charged with conspiring to keep Democrats from voting in New Hampshire?

North Korea, Iran and Iraq of having clandestine nuke programs and warned them he would "not tolerate" their having the nuke programs he accused them of having.
Why, then, is Bush so insouciant about North Korea's seeking to manufacture bomb-grade material on its own?
Bush's thinking as follows: The North Koreans, Bush told him, "are looking to get us excited, to make us issue declarations." Bush's response to this pressure, the official said, is, "You're hungry, and you can't eat plutonium."